Francis Marion Tau Kappa Epsilon TKE  
  Alumni Newsletter #2 06/25/2019 12:40am (UTC)

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            Happy New Year Brothers! The Alumni Association Board would like to get everyone up to speed on the coming events as we ring in 2008. But first we would like to mention that last year we made significant progress in our goal of strengthening the Fraternity and getting Brothers back in touch with each other. We'll give you the details so before you read on, sit down; grab a beer, a pen, your calendar, and hopefully your checkbook.
            As many of you already know we held the First Annual TEKETOBERFEST this past fall. The event was a blur but the pictures look like we had a great time. Check them out on our website By the way, if you are not a registered user of our site we encourage you to sign up immediately. This is a great tool for keeping in touch, finding out about upcoming events, and generally screwing off in the middle of the day when you should be working. Anyway, at the event we voted to officially form an alumni association. I am proud to announce that we have been officially chartered as the TKE TAU SIGMA ALUMNI ASSOCIATION. Congratulations and thank you to everyone who participated in this pain in the ass.
            There are many benefits to this that you may not be aware of. One major plus is that we have liability insurance coverage. I am not sure if this covers things like when Patrick Johnson #40 tied his boat up at low tied to find it the next morning six inches under the surface. Actually I think there is a stupidity clause, but in any case insurance is a good thing. I'll never forget that event. Pag was passed out in a lazy boy at 4:00 AM and Brett Garson #11 came in to tell him his boat was sunk. It went like this:
Brett said "Pag, your boat is sunk!"
Pag said "Fuck off…"
Brett replied "Dude seriously, YOUR FUCKIN BOAT SANK!"
Pag replied "Fuck you man - you're not getting my chair!"
Brett overheard me and Cory Tarr #12 laughing and said "Beavis, get your ass out here, Pag tied his boat to your dock and it's under fuckin water!"
So we ran down there and sure enough, it was under fuckin water - just as Bretthad said. You see, the dock where we were was near Charleston. That is near an ocean. Oceans have tides. These are caused by the moon. No matter how much Jack Daniels you drink in the middle of the afternoon you can't stop the tide. Therefore, some intelligent person came up with the concept of a "floating dock", which by the way was available to Pag. Unfortunately for his grey sparkley 16 foot 1982 model BassMaster with the 30 horse Mariner outboard motor, the inherent benefits of the floating dock were not utilized. Pag had tied the boat to the piling. Brilliant.
            We have events planned for the spring and summer. The first event on the horizon is a paddle trip scheduled for March. Please read the following information from Brad Cantrell #43. Please note this is a Brothers Only event.
TKE Canoe Trip 2008
March 14th – 16th
            After a four year hiatus the annual "TKE Canoe Trip" is back. For those who have never attended a canoe trip plan to have a good laid back time, enjoy the company of friends old and new, and consume massive quantities of beer. There are many stories and good memories from trips past such as, Manley and Cory making a deal with God, the river rising and Beavis losing a canoe, and many stories of drunk asses falling in the river. 
            Right now we are planning on paddling either the Little Pee Dee or the Black River. Both are slow moving black water rivers in the lower part of SC and require very little skill to navigate. As it gets closer to trip time we’ll make a decision based on water levels. We are planning to get on the river at noon on Friday the 14th and take out around the same time on Sunday the 16th. Go ahead and take the 14th off of work/school now.
            Your canoe or kayak, paddle, and pfd will be provided and will be delivered to the designated put in. Right now I’m not sure exactly what the rental fee for the weekend will be, but plan on around $50. All you need to do is let me know if you plan to attend no later than February 1st,and whether you want to paddle a canoe or kayak. 
Some things to think about regarding canoe or kayak choice:
Kayaks                                                        Canoes
-hold only one person                                         -paddled by two
-are faster than canoes                                      -can carry big ass cooler and other gear
-are more likely to tip, but if you do tip    -you split the cost of boat rental
your gear will stay dry              
-have limited gear carrying capacity
(this means no cooler with an assload
of beer)
-damn near impossible to piss out of
when drunk
Contact information for this event is as follows.
Brad Cantrell
208 Brookwood Drive
Greer SC 29651
            The next event will be Family Day at an Atlanta Braves game. The game is on Saturday, June 7th and we would like to invite all Brothers, wives, girlfriends, kids and for Clay Guerry #1, Mike Coker #76, and Justin Smith #115, you guys can bring your "life partners". They are playing the Philadelphia Phillies and although the time is not posted yet this should be an afternoon game. Then we will have a party that evening at a location to be determined by the number of attendees. There is a large outdoor Pavilion that we could reserve where we could cookout and do whatever. Nearby overnight accommodations will be arranged for those that would like to stay and on Sunday we will book a round of golf at Big Canoe Resort. (Please note that the planets largest outlet mall is nearby with every conceivable shop for your wife to blow all your money while you play golf.) We will get a large discount by buying tickets as a group, so please reserve as many seats as you and the family would like by March 1st and we can begin making arrangements. Pricing will be determined by the size of the group and whether we decide to get a suite or sit in the bleacher seats. We do not need money for this event yet but we do need to know if you want to attend. So come on over to Georgia and watch John Smoltz, Jeff Francoeur, and Chipper Jones beat the crap out of Anthony Voci's #16 Philadelphia Philthies! Please note that this event is open to family and friends of the Fraternity.
Contact information for this event is as follows:
Lee Tigner
740 Smith Circle
706-265-2027 Home
770-344-8920 Cell
            I would like to share a story about Tom "Big T" Schurlknight #15 that happened recently. It went like this:
Big T says to Beavis,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
Beavis replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .A lot cheaper than a doctor."

Big T deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout.

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Big T began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Big T hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

            Moving on to the next order of business, we are going to have a little fundraiser. Patrick Grimsley has designed the following shirt and we ask that everybody buy one to help put a small amount of proceeds in the bank. Here is what the shirt will look like followed by the order form. The deadline to have your money and order form sent in is February 22nd.
            Now, one last order of business to discuss: YOUR HELP. A lot of effort has gone into putting the Alumni Association together for the express purpose of bringing us together and having a good time. We need each Brother to contribute in two ways. First of all we have to get our contact list complete. As of right now we have contact with less than half of our Brothers. We need e-mail addresses, phone numbers, and street addresses of every Brother you know. If you are receiving this letter by e-mail please look closely at the contact list and e-mail Beavis at any information that is left blank. Next, in order to produce and organize this Alumni Association we have to have a small amount of funds. Britt Baxley #78 has set up our Tau Sigma Alumni Association bank account at Wachovia.  We received ZERO donations from the last letter. We must receive donations in order to produce another newsletter. Once donations are made and we have established some working capital we can send the newsletters out with self addressed stamped envelopes. Until then we are asking for help from YOU. PLEASE write a small check payable to TKE Tau Sigma Alumni Association and mail it to the following address: The amount is up to your discretion.
TKE c/o Britt Baxley
1026 Cheraw Dr
            Furthermore, the undergrads wrote up an excellent letter and they have received ONE contribution of $25. (This could be due to the fact that David Wagoner #111 AKA Swiftus put the wrong street number for the campus. The correct address is below.) As Alumni we are not upholding our end of the bargain. We asked them for a newsletter and got it. They deserve a small donation to help the Chapter. To make a donation to the undergrads please make a check payable to:
Tau Kappa Epsilon
Campus # 550
5130 E. Palmetto St.
 I feel that it is imperative that we support the Chapter as Alumni. On March 22nd through the 24ththey are having a Trampoline-a-thon to raise money for the Ronald Reagan Alzheimer's Foundation. To support this important cause please contact Patrick Johnson #114 at 843-495-6113. Again, they deserve our support.
            We look forward to seeing you at the next events. Until then be safe, work hard, and don't take boating safety advice from Pag.
Love, Charity, Esteem
Lee "Beavis" Tigner #14
President TKE Tau Sigma Alumni Association
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